When did “come over for dinner” become such a big ask?

Mindful Discussions
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I’m on a roll here :slight_smile:

We’ve had several discussions here about speaking fewer words and the possible human cost of technological convenience, and in all of those conversations a question keeps coming up in my head: what happens to meaningful connection when everyday life gives us fewer reasons to interact?

I recently read an article in the Atlantic, with the title “Why Americans Stopped Throwing Dinner Parties.” It immediately caught my eye. I had to read it & I think you will enjoy it too. It basically looks at this from another angle: the decline of having friends over.

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/2026/10/americans-socialization-dinner-decline-hosting/688846/

Here’s the AUDIO version of the article:

I mentioned in a previous thread that my friend & I were texting about a show we were both watching, when we live a few blocks away from one another and we could have easily watched it together.

I know that everyone has different reasons for this like busy households, parenting demands, (demanding jobs) shrinking friendship circles, and the sheer ease of entertaining ourselves at home, ALONE.
BUT…I also wonder… has social media made us self-conscious about inviting people into our homes?
Like… Do we have any business having friends over without a six-burner Viking range and a three-level deck? Does the house need to be sparkling clean and worthy of Architectural Digest or Martha Stewart Living ?

I mean, for people who are constantly online, looking at feeds that are full of beautiful interiors and perfectly styled dinner tables, “come over for pasta” can start to feel like something we need to prepare a production for.

I wonder how many invitations never happen because we think our homes, our food, or our hosting skills aren’t quite good enough because we compare ourselves to what we see online.

Maybe meaningful connection needs more room for ordinary evenings: a cluttered table, mismatched plates, takeout, and people who are happy to see us.

So, let’s talk. Do you visit friends or have people over as often as you used to? And have you ever put off inviting someone because your home didn’t feel “ready”?

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Honestly I think a lot of those are excuses. We all have the time if we MAKE THE TIME. Technology has made us LAZY, pure and simple. It honestly is sad. I have a group of friends I have went to University with. Some live like 30 mins from me and we have not see each other in over a year. And the one time we did it was because we were at the same funeral. We are in this group chat and sadly this is how we connect mainly now which truly is sad. We are planning a dinner for tomorrow not sure if its happening but if it is I am bringing up these issues with my friends and saying we all have to be better. How much longer do we have here? We don’t know. We need to get off our asses and meet people in person. Put the damn phone down, shut netflix off and go meet people face to face. If you care about them you will make the time. I have a wife and kids, I don’t use that as an excuse of why I can’t meet up. If you care about people you are telling me you can’t set aside time ONCE A MONTH to meet up, and if thats too much once every three months. It can be done if you make the time.

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This is very true. Last year proved that to me. That’s why I really try to make an effort to my see my friends & loved ones in PERSON, even if it’s just for a cup of coffee on a Saturday afternoon.

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Exactly how hard is it to go get a coffee? One of my friends and I did that every saturday a few years back but it was made easier by the fact that both our daughters were in ballet. My daughter was not into it and we stopped getting coffee. We are still friends and I see him the most out of all my friends but I really loved those coffee chats. Face to face communication is honestly dying. Its all done over text or forums. Strangers speak in forums but do they speak in public? Not really

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One of my friends (and I love her for this)- if I get too busy & caught up with life/work & she doesn’t see me in a couple of weeks, she will show up at my house. I know so people would get freaked out by this, but I actually appreciate it.

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You absolutely nailed it with this statement, friendships are something that takes work , many people just can’t be bothered.

I take the view if someone can’t put in the effort then why should I. I value real friendships as truly special and something to Cherish, as you point out our time here is finite, and interactions with people who truly care and wish to spend time with us is something that we should make time for.

To answer Ursula’s point, my friends come to see me , they don’t care if my house is tidy or not, and whilst we try to live in a clean and tidy way, the type of person who would judge us by this don’t tend to be invited into our home. I do take your point that some live their life through the lense of social media but that has never been something I have been interested in, and the opinions of those that do has never interested me either

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What I’d rather know is when “ask” became a noun :confused:

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When I was in school and posed this question to my teacher (it was confusing to me as well), I was told that it came from the OLD ENGLISH language. :slight_smile: I guess it is what it is :slight_smile:

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So I have heard. I think it must have fallen out of favor while I was growing up, so it’s grating business-speak to my ears :face_with_spiral_eyes:

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Fun fact: The phrase “a big ask” originated in Australia during the 1980s

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Honestly that is AWESOME, I think when you are close enough to someone it is okay to do and honestly would put such a smile on my face. When do we ever surprise each other like this in person. I did this to one of my friends like 2 years ago and they loved it cause I had not seen them in awhile

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This friend also sends postcards. ALWAYS. It’s the coolest.

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Yeah honestly I’m at a point now where I’m just disappointed in some of my closest friendships. I feel like I’m only the one putting in the effort. Group chats have made us all lazy which is probably why I’m not in them. If you want to converse with me come see me or call me. Go back to the basics.

I think this is why there are times where I go back to very dumb phones. I still have my Kompakt but I also have my Light Phone 2 and I recently got the Sonim XP3 for very cheap. It’s a flip phone. And for me there are days where I don’t want to be seen with anything that even resembles a smartphone.

So last few days I’ve been using this flip phone and by using it I mean not using it lol. I keep it on me when my kids are at school or my wife and kids are out and they need to reach me. If everyone that needs to reach me is inside my house I’ve gotten into the practice of whatever phone I’m using, I shut it off and put it away.

I’ve talked often about the days when I never had a phone and I remember even then, around 2003 when others had flip phones, thinking I love that no one can reach me and I have nothing tugging at my attention.

There are days often where I’m just depressed by what I see around me. People staring at their phones. We have lost our connection with each other. I’m not sure we will ever get it back.

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That is amazing, imagine getting a hand written letter from someone that would be cool lol

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There’s a saying my mother had “ some people are in your life for a reason , some are in your life for a season “ Those that will put in the effort and be there when you need them most are are true friends, and there for a reason, you hang on to them because they are special, I have only had 2 such people in my life one sadly passed many years ago.

The mobile phone and the internet has made it easier to interact with people all over the world which is good, but it’s also made local connections irrelevant to many, I know someone who texts his partner when they are in the same house, because he doesn’t have to get off the sofa.
Personally I’d rather have 1 true friend that can be bothered, than 100 who just want to text or voice message me a few times a day, so I have stepped away and only give my time to those that are prepared to give their time and energy to maintaining a healthy friendship .

I also love to just disconnect from the phone, it feels somehow liberating to be unreachable , makes you think of times when no one had a computer in their pockets, simple times when people still had a connection with each other and most things were done person to person.
I hear lots of people saying that you can’t function today without a smartphone , it may not be as “convenient “it may require a bit more effort but it is entirely possible and totally worth the effort.

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Agree with all of this. You can live without a smartphone, even if its just for a hour, we don’t need any phone dumb or smart on our person 24/7. Either to me can become a ball and chain.

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I remember when “electronic leash” was a euphemism for a pager.

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I was a teenager in the 1980s, and we had no interwebs yet(!), of course, so I never heard it until much later.

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